


Memento Mori

by Pline



Series: Where Freedom Lies [1]
Category: Hawaii Five-0 (2010)
Genre: Danny is the only one being reincarnated, Introspection, M/M, Pre-Relationship, Reincarnation, danny centric
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-07-04
Updated: 2017-07-04
Packaged: 2018-11-23 13:14:50
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,684
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11403162
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Pline/pseuds/Pline
Summary: Danny has had many lives before he came to be Daniel Williams of New Jersey.He has lost count of how many times he has been reborn, but if he were to write all the names he’s borne, there would not be enough ink and paper in the whole of Hawaii.The very first time Danny walked the earth, he was not Danny.(Danny keeps being reincarnated and remembers his past lives.)





	Memento Mori

**Author's Note:**

> Hey everyone!
> 
> Hope you enjoy this little thing! If anyone knows me from Don't Believe In Miracles, I'm actually working on the next chapter but I wanted to finish this first :)
> 
> I have to admit I've read more fics than I've watched episodes of the show so pardon the inconstancies? Like I forgot about Charlie so he's not mentioned, oopsie.

> _ And death shall be no more: Death, thou shalt die. _

 

Danny has had many lives before he came to be Daniel Williams of New Jersey.

He has lost count of how many times he has been reborn, but if he were to write all the names he’s borne, there would not be enough ink and paper in the whole of Hawaii.

The very first time Danny walked the earth, he was not Danny. He lived on the wild land of what is now known as Scotland, and he was Drest, son of Erb, King of the Picts. History has forgotten about him and his reign and battles, to the point where most scholars even doubt he ever existed.

Lost are the stories of his life. No one but him remembers the sweet smile of his wife or the laughter of his sons. Even the language of his people – soft words spoken by his mother, orders thrown by his father – has been forgotten. Sometimes, Danny still speaks it out oud, when he is sure to be alone, and the harsh sounds bring him comfort.

The mythical king he used to be was foolish and prideful. All that long ago, long before came the understanding of the world, people venerated gods and spirits and nature itself. Alas, Drest was cynical. He was an undefeated warrior, a king loved by his people because he protected them and was fair.

Drest had thought himself superior. Invulnerable.

So when a druid came to him, begging for a warm meal and a bed to spend the night in, he had accepted but he had been disrespectful. He had teased and mocked the druid’s beliefs, had shrugged off the warnings with a chuckle. Drest had not feared gods and had not cared for magic.

For his impertinence, he was punished. Cursed not to live forever, but never to remain dead. Cursed to always come back a different man, haunted by the memories of those he had been and all that he’s lost.

Now, he is Danny Williams, father and detective, son and friend. He remembers all of his past lives, albeit some better than others. Throughout all his lives, the memories have come back one way or another. He is rarely born with them, growing up confused about all these men he has been. Rather, the memories come back, little by little, sometimes at once. As Danny, it has come back softly, subtly, and he knows there are many more he has not recovered yet.

No matter how the memories come back to him, he tries his best not to change his current life because he happens to recall his past ones. It is painful, it is confusing – is he Danny? Is he Drest? Both of them? Neither? Someone else? The sum of all his lives or someone new entirely?

The people he has loved are already lost to him once he remembers them, they would not understand why a ghost looking exactly like their father, their brother or lover, would appear to haunt them. It is a lesson he has learned too well the few times he has tried to return to those who were mourning him. But it was not him they were mourning, not really, it was someone he was and then was not.

For he is changed. He is not Drest anymore, neither is he Nikolaj the farmer, or Gabriele who died of the plague, or any other identities he’s assumed. No, he is Danny Williams, and all these memories are tucked away in a deep corner of his mind, not to be awaken again, unless during sleepless nights, when the weight of all the men he was crushes his soul so hard he begins to wonder who he even is.

Those are dangerous thoughts, thoughts he should not entertain. He knows all too well the fragility of the human psyche, and it is not made to handle so many identities.

He has to leave the past in the past, where it rightfully belongs, let it dust. He shall never turn back because no matter how many lives he has lived and still has yet to experience, each one is to be cherished.

 

* * *

* * *

 

Chin has liked Danny from the start. The Jersey detective is sarcastic and loud, but he has a loyal and loving heart, and Chin would do anything for him, as Danny would do anything for him in return.

They have known each other for over eight years now, they have been through a lot and remained by each other’s side through all the hardships. Their team is more than a team, it’s a family, something Chin had despaired he ever would get again after HPD, but here they are, and Danny is an essential part of it.

After everything, Chin can say that, yes, he knows Danny pretty well. Yet, sometimes, Danny does not make sense. Chin trusts him, of course, but he also feels like he is missing something important about Danny. Something that he cannot quite grasp, but would explain everything about Danny’s little mysteries.

He makes comments sometimes that do not add up to what Chin knows about his life. When did he ever go to Milan? Didn’t he say he never went to Europe?

At first, Chin had thought Danny was not who he said he was. Identity thief? Witness protection? Call him paranoid, but it just did not make sense, and after the whole ordeal with HPD, he was not going to trust a partner easily again. But nothing strange came up, and after a while, Chin decided to let it be.

Whenever Danny acts strange or makes an odd comment, he notices, he remembers, but he says nothing.

Until one day, he does.

 

* * *

 

The team is at Steve’s, where they often find themselves after a case. They are not celebrating this time, they did not get the kidnapped man in time, and even if they did arrest the murderer, it was too little too late.

They drink and they talk, not about anything in particular, just any subject that could take their minds off of their latest case. The more they talk, the less their guilt threaten to choke them, and the tension eases, their bodies relax, and after a while, they’re smiling and laughing again.

They are now a little tipsy, far from being drunk, but just at the moment where one feels light-headed and brash.

“Being the oldest brother is always a pain in the ass,” Danny is suddenly saying and Steve, who lost track of the conversation for a bit, frowns.

“What are you talking about?” he asks, confused. “You’re not the oldest, Danno. That doesn’t make sense.”

“Yeah. It’s what Danny does,” Chin pinches in. “He doesn’t make a lot of sense.”

“Hey! I resent that. I’m perfectly sound.”

“No,” Chin shakes his head. “I don’t mean it like that. You don’t make  _ sense. _ You say things like that, but it doesn’t make sense. It’s like you say you went to Italy, but you didn’t, but you’re not lying when you say it? That doesn’t make sense.”

Kono nods, “That’s true. Also you know weird stuff. Like who the hell knows about Saxon kings and battles anyway?”

“I like history,” Danny says, aiming for nonchalance but they can all read the defensiveness in the way he holds himself. “Is it so hard for you to accept I might know things you don’t expect me to?”

“It’s not so much that,” Chin continues, the effects of alcohol leaving him a tad breathless, “it’s more the way you tell them. It’s like you - you… I don’t know, but it doesn’t make sense.  _ You  _ don’t make sense. Did you go to Italy or not? How do you know so much about using a bow? Why did you say you caught the scarlet fever when you didn’t? Why don’t you make sense?”

Danny bites his lip, pensive of all the sudden, and he looks older than this body is. His gaze is unfocused, he is not seeing them. He is overwhelmed by centuries worth of memories. It’s not the first time this has happened, he cannot be careful all the time. Sometimes he slips up.

(The last time he was in Italy was in 1799.)

“I suppose I don’t,” he says at last, his eyes finally settling on Chin. “Make sense that is.”

“How is that?” Chin asks like he has been wanting to ask that question for a long time.

Danny looks down. A familiar panic is taking over him, but he fights it back. He breathes out, closes his eyes. Could he?

“I think,” he says absently, more to himself than for his friends, “I think maybe I could… But what if you don’t believe me, huh? You wouldn’t be the first, and where would that leave us?”

“Danno, you can tell us anything.”

“I know, Steve, I know. But this isn’t just my secret to tell.” He laughs, the irony isn’t lost on him, even if they cannot understand his play on words.

No, it’s not only his secret to tell. He shares the very same secret with dozens and dozens of other incarnations. Some of them, the men he was once upon a time, some of them told the truth. Some of them confessed.

Not everyone he told it to could accept it.

People who were open-minded, people who trusted him, they thought him insane. They called him liar, pagan, attention-seeker.

Danny loves these four wonderful human beings. They stand by him, they trust him, but can they believe such a thing? It is beyond believable. If he was not the one living it, and someone told him they kept being reincarnated because they were cursed about 1,500 years ago, Danny would  _ not  _ believe it easily.

He probably wouldn’t believe it at all.

And even if they did believe him, what a weight to put on them! They would understand the implications of living so many lives: Danny has loved and lost over and over again. They are not the first people he cares about, and they won’t be the last.

He wouldn’t want them to feel less, to have their friendship diminished because of his previous ones. Would they feel in competition with people long dead? Steve, especially, who always fears he is second-best, the last choice.

Would they worry he’d forget them? That he’d find better friends in a future life?

How could he reassure them? What would be the words to tell them that, despite his numerous lives, he has never felt so complete? How could he say that they make him whole, that they silence the voices in his head?

It would be better not to say anything at all, for everyone.

And yet.

He longs for the secrecy to be gone. He wants to tell his stories. He wants to talk about Italy, and Russia, and the picts, and the wars, and the siblings, and the children, and the lovers, and the good memories, and the bad... Even the deaths. All of it. Yes, he wants to tell them everything.

Would it be selfish? Would it be cruel?

“Danny?”

“Hm?” How long has he been lost in thoughts? “Oh, sorry.”

“You okay?” Lou asks.

“Yeah. Yeah, sure. You know what? Actually, I’m feeling pretty beat, so I’m gonna go home and get some sleep.”

“Danny, wait.”

“No, I’m fine. Everything is fine.”

And before they can stop him, he is gone. No one follows him through the door. He passes by his car and continues walking, he has drunk one too many beer to drive. He could call a taxi, but the fresh air will calm him.

* * *

 

 

“What happened?”

“I have no idea.”

“I’m sorry, I didn’t think he’d react like this.”

“It’s not your fault. I don’t understand what’s going on with him…”

* * *

 

No one bring up Danny’s strange behavior again. They throw him curious worried looks when they think he can’t see, but other than that, nothing changes.

Danny keeps thinking.

The idea is planted in his brain and it won’t leave.

He does not grow distant, nor does he lose focus. He does not change, but when he is laying on his bed at night, sleep won’t come, and he wonders.

“I wasn’t always Danny,” he would say.

“I was cursed,” he would say.

“I don’t want this life to stop,” he would say.

He keeps the words to him for weeks until he can’t resist any longer.

 

* * *

It’s so late at night it might as well be early. Steve insisted to drag Danny along so they could observe a meteor shower. Of course, to do so, they had to climb a damn mountain.

“We’ll see it best that way, and there won’t be anyone else to bother us. Come on, Danno.”

Danny followed, because he always does, but he complains the whole time.

Steve was right, though. It’s magnificent and peaceful. It’s only the two of them and from anyone else, Danny would have thought he was being wooed, but he has to stop these traitorous thoughts before he starts making a fool of himself.

They stare at the sky in silence, both lying on a blanket on the ground. They did not bother with a lantern, the stars and the moon are light enough. The meteor shower lasted only a few minutes, but it was breathtaking. Humbling even.

“Don’t you feel small in moment like this?” Danny asks out of the blue. “There’s so much we don’t know, so much that we can’t explain yet. We all have our lives, but what is it compared to that?” He chuckles. “Am I making any sense?”

“Yeah,” Steve says, almost solemnly. “I get it. And I do, it’s really something. Makes you feel kinda unimportant, no?”

“No,” Danny protests. “Not unimportant. Just… Fleeting. We’ll die, but the stars will stay the same. And I guess I will too in a way.”

“What are you talking about?” Steve props himself up on one elbow to look at Danny.

Danny tears his gaze from the stars to look at his friend. He sits up and crosses his arms over his chest.

“I know. It doesn’t make sense, but I’ve been told I don’t make a whole lot of sense.”

“Danny, if this is about what Chin said last time, you don’t need to – “

“I want to tell you, but if we’re doing this, you have to promise something to me first.”

“Anything.” Danny knows Steve means it, and it gives him the strength to continue.

“What I’m about to tell you, it’s crazy. Insane. You’re going to find it difficult to believe, and I understand that. It’s still the truth. But if you don’t think you can accept it, then we will never talk about it again and we will pretend this conversation never happened.”

Danny hesitates.

“If you can’t accept it”, he repeats, “and I wouldn’t put it against you, it’s a lot after all. If you can’t, then it’s fine. No hard feelings. We will simply never talk about it again, and it’ll be fine.”

“Danny, what – “

“No. Let me finish this. Please. I need to say it. Promise me that if you do not believe me, you will drop the subject, and we  _ will  _ move on. We’ll never mention it again. Promise me.”

Steve nods, serious and focused.

“Say it,” Danny but begs.

“I swear,” and it makes Danny breathe out like a weight’s been taking off of him. Steve will not break a promise. “But I’ll believe you,” Steve continues. “No matter what. I trust you, Danny, I always do.”

“This is different, Steve.”

Danny looks away, looks back at the stars. Nevermind where or when he is, the stars are still the same, the moon is still the same. That’s always been a comfort to him, even if he keeps losing everything and everyone he has ever loved, he’ll always have the stars.

“Alright,” he says to the sky and he turns to Steve whose face is open and concerned. “Here it goes. So. Chin was right. I didn’t lie when I said I never went to Italy, but I also didn’t lie when I said I went to Italy. Because I both went and never went. I, Danny Williams, never went to Europe. But I did go to Italy, back when I had another name.”

“You changed your name?” Steve frowns, hurt.

“No! But yes, in a sense. It’s hard to explain.”

“Start from the beginning then.”

Danny shakes his head, “That’d make things more complicated.”

“Okay,” Steve says. “So you had another name? But… You didn’t actually change it? Am I getting this right?”

A nod.

“Okay. Did, did someone change it for you then? Witness protection services maybe?”

“No,” Danny almost wants to laugh. “ Stop it, you won’t guess. Just – okay. I went to Italy before because I was born there once. Twice really. I know you think this is crazy, but that’s it. The reason I say contradictory things, or why I know things no one expects me to know, like when I knew the date for the Battle of the Conwy. Steve. I was there.”

Steve stares dumbly at Danny.

“You were there,” he says flatly. For once, Danny can’t read him. “You were there, as in you were in the battle? A battle that happened hundreds and hundreds of years ago?”

Danny is losing control of the conversation, he should have prepared a speech, dammit. This is not how he wanted this to go.

“I told you, it sounds insane, but please, I’m not lying and I am not crazy. I have been reborn again and again in different places and times, with different names. I carry with me the memories of so many lives I’m afraid I’ll lose it for good one day. Call it reincarnation or whatever, but this is the truth. Do you believe it?”

_ Do you believe me? _

“Yes.”

Danny might cry out in relief, but he stills instead, contains the joy that want to burst out. He gapes at his friend.

“You do? You believe me? I tell you I have memories of a fuckton of past lives and you just – you’re cool with it?”

Steve, that insane beautiful man, has the audacity to shrug.

“I wouldn’t say I’m ‘cool with it’, it’s a lot to process, but I meant it: I trust you. I know you’re not lying, and well, that actually makes sense for a change.”

“It makes sense,” Danny echoes, not quite realizing that Steve believes his story.

They sit there, beneath the sky, in top a mountain, and it’s only them, and Steve believes him. Danny is suddenly seized by his affection - his love - for this man, this man who would lay down his life for the ones he loves, and so he takes his hand. Through pressed-tight lips, he whispers, “Thank you.”

Steve smiles, “Of course.”

“You, hm, you don’t have questions?”

“Oh, I have millions of them.”

Danny bursts out laughing.

 

* * *

 

 

They don’t talk about it for five days.

Danny knows Steve is taking it in, thinking over it. For once, Danny is not overly worried because he knows Steve believes him, he just needs time to accept it fully, to realize all the implications it entails.

Steve is a man of science, he likes when things can be explained through hard undeniable facts, so it comes to no surprise he needs some time to come to terms with such a huge piece of news.

Nothing has changed between them, they still act as they’ve always done, they still banter and Steve still does crazy SEAL stunts while Danny worries and complains loudly and helps him not get hurt. The normality is an immense relief, Danny does not know how he would have reacted had Steve not believed him.

On Sunday morning, Danny receives a text that reads “can you come over to talk?”.

He stops by his favorite bakery on his way to Steve’s and buys coco puffs, they’ll need them to go through this conversation.

“So,” Steve says once they’re sitting on the lanai, cups of hot coffee in their hands. It seems like they’re always going back to this place to have meaningful conversations.

“So,” Danny repeats just to be annoying and Steve rolls his eyes.

“I have questions.”

“Then ask them.”

“You’re sure?” Steve hesitates. “You won’t, it won’t make you…?”

“Steven.” Danny sighs. “I’m not made of porcelain, and even if there is something that makes me feel uncomfortable, I’ll tell you. So, yes, Steve, I’m sure. Ask away.”

“Do you know why?”

“Why I keep being reincarnated?”

“Well, yes,” Steve answers, a bit lost but determined to get the truth as always.

“Long story short: I was cursed by a druid.”

Steve’s look of utter discomfiture is priceless.

“Let me explain,” Danny says with a laugh. “In my first life, I was, hm, I was a king.”

“A king?” Steve exclaims.

“Don’t look so surprised, I was a great king.”

“Oh, I don’t doubt it. You must have liked everyone doing everything you ordered. Should I call you My Liege?”

“I prefer ‘Your Majesty’, but it’ll do.”

They laugh.

“Cursed by a druid, huh?” Steve asks.

“And this isn’t even the most ridiculous thing that’s happened to me in all my lives.”

And so Danny tells him the story of Drest’s pride and foolishness, and Steve listens, captured, fascinated.

 

* * *

 

 

And so it goes for a few months, Danny reveals more and more of his memories as he remembers them. Three years go by and Danny forgets that one day he will die, one day he will forget and become a stranger to this life.

Sharing this secret brings them both closer because there are no more secrets between them.

 

* * *

 

 

Danny Williams is dying. He has died too many times not to know it. These are his last minutes as the man he is. If he closes his eyes right now, he will never open them again as himself.

He doesn’t want to. No, no, please, he prays. Give me more time, I need more time. I haven’t said all I needed to say yet, I’m not ready.

“Danny!”

Of course. Steve is here. Steve is always here. Till the very end.

“I don’t wanna go,” Danny manages to whisper.

“You don’t have to, just keep your eyes open. It’s gonna be okay.”

Death is inevitable. No one can escape death.

Danny closes his eyes.

(The last thing he sees is Steve. The last thing he says is Grace’s name.)

He tries to fight it, but he closes his eyes. In that instant he knows he will never be Danny Williams again.

 

* * *

 

 

He stops existing.

 

* * *

“Your Highness?” he hears but his eyes are still closed. “Is there something the matter?”

“No, Uvan, I am fine.”

The words flow naturally from his mouth but they feel foreign on his tongue. It’s a strange feeling, he feels strange. He still hasn’t opened his eyes but he feels confused, terrified, excited at all once. It’s a tsunami of emotions that he is not he sure he can process at the moment.

One thought rings clear in his mind. Suddenly, everything is in place. He knows his name, he knows who he is.

His name is Drest and he is a proud king of the Picts.

“I’m back,” he exhales as he takes into the moment laid in front of him. The dining room of his castle, the grey stones, the noise of all the servants working, the coarse rubbing of his clothes against his skin, the storm raging outside.

He remembers everything, clearer than ever. It’s even more than that, it’s like he never forgot in the first place. He can remember everything about all his lives as if he is experiencing all them at the exact same time.

It’s exhilarating. 

“I’m back,” he repeats in awe.

“I was not aware you ever left, My Liege.”

Drest turns to face another man sitting at the table. He is smirking - no, not smirking, smiling. He is smiling. The years, the lives deformed the memory but the man is not smirking. He is not menacing or bigger than life. His skin is pale and freckled, he looks tired and old. Not powerful. Not terrifying.

“You’re the druid.”

“I thought we had already established that. Maybe you need some rest, my Lord?” His tone is cheeky, not mocking.

“Why am I back here?” Danny asks. “I was dying. I could feel it.”

“You were?” The druid looks curious.

The storm is no longer raging, no servants walk in or out of the room. The time has stilled only for Drest - Danny, Étienne, Jaroslav, so many names - and the druid to remain.

“Do you know the most curious thing?” Danny asks. “Countless years and I could never remember your name.”

“Does it matter? We don’t have much time.”

“Is this real?” he asks instead.  


The druid takes a spit of his ale and says, “If you’re here, it must be.”

“Is this the end?”

“It might as well be the beginning.”

Danny takes a deep breath. He feels himself floating, he knows he’ll soon be gone from that place, forever this time. He only needs to focus, if only he could focus a little harder.

“I am not looking for riddles or a sparring match. If you have answer for me, please, do feel free to share. If not, let me enjoy being back here for a short instant. I never saw these walls after my first death. They were already gone by the time I got back.”

He’s feeling both light-headed and heavy, he’s not sure if it’s his eyes which are going blurry or the room itself. He’s not moving anymore, he simply stares at the druid who appears unaffected by the unnatural feeling of the place.

“You’ve changed, King. You’ve learned.”

There are no more strength in Danny’s body to do anything, all his attention is given to staying in that room, just a little while longer, to keep the memories intact with him.

_ He didn’t say goodbye to Grace. _

He doesn’t want to let go of her, he’s not ready to forget her and Steve and Kono and Chin and his parents and his sisters and his friends.

He knows he has no choice.

“What if you did have a choice?” the druid asks, head tilted and eyes serious. “I can give you a choice.”

The room is getting darker and darker with each passing moment, actually disappearing before their eyes.

“One life. One man. One set of memory.” A pause. “You’ve learned your lesson. I can give you that peace. And so one you die, as Drest, you will go where everyone shall go, and you will be able to rest.”

Rest? Peace?

“No,” he croaks out with the little energy he still has.

“No?”

The darkness recedes, the atmosphere feels less oppressive. He can breathe and move again, even if just a bit.

“No,” Danny repeats. “I’ve lost, yes. I’ve suffered and I’ve seen things, done things… But I’ve gained so much too, I’ve seen wonders and joys you cannot imagine. I’ll go through this all over again only if for the chance of remembering my children’s smiles once more.”

The druid smiles.

“Be free.”

Everything disappears.

* * *

 

 

Danny opens his eyes.

He knows he’s in the hospital, he can hear the sound of his own heart beating on the monitoring. It’s day outside and he squints at the sun, but he smiles as soon as he notices Steve and Grace.

Neither have noticed he is awake, too taken by their game of cards as they are.

Danny wants to cry, or maybe laugh. He is unburdened, he can feel his soul is lighter. Oh maybe this was all a dream, the hallucination of a dying man, but he wants to believe this was true.

He has been given one last chance and he will not waste it.

He is free.

**Author's Note:**

> Memento Mori (Latin): meaning "Remember death" or "Remember that you will die".
> 
> Voilà ! So what do you think? Did Danny dream having his curse lifted or is he really free now? Also, did you find it confusing at time? I was pretty unsure about that...
> 
> Hopefully you liked reading this as much as I enjoyed writing it. Thank you very much for reading this!
> 
> See you soon :)
> 
> PS: I'll read it over in the morning, please don't mind the mistakes


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